I'm Sorry

"I’m sorry"… two little words that have a huge impact on our self-concept.

I used to apologise a lot. I was always starting sentences with, “I’m sorry but…” If I couldn’t offer a client an appointment as soon as they wanted, I was sorry that I didn’t have any free slots that day. If someone was in my way, I was sorry, but would they mind moving? I was apologising for being busy, for needing to take up some space in relation to another person and a thousand other things. On and on it went without my even noticing, “I’m sorry” had become an unconscious part of my normal speech pattern.

One day a few years ago, I became aware of how often I was apologising, and I began to wonder what I was apologising for? When you use a phrase automatically, without wondering why, it loses all its meaning because it is said without feeling or intent. It’s just a conditioned response. However, on a personal level, you are repeatedly telling your unconscious mind that you have something to apologise for.

We learn as kids when we have done something that our family, social group or society at large considers unacceptable, we are taught that we must say that we are sorry, mean it and make amends. If you take someone else’s toy because you want it – you must return it and be sorry. You lash out at your little brother because he’s being really annoying you and won’t stop – you must apologise and supress your irritation. This is normal social conditioning, it’s how we learn to co-exist with those around us and the lesson quickly becomes internalised.

However, as we grow up, this little phrase becomes externally overused and internally undermining. It becomes an oft repeated, unconscious expression because we cannot meet someone else’s expectations of us. Every time we say it, we are giving ourselves the message that we have failed on some level, that we have done something bad and must make amends. It’s one of the ways that people constantly undermine themselves and maintain their ‘stuckness’ in the role of the people pleaser.

The unconscious thought process goes something like this: I can’t do what you want. I am deficient in some way. I have failed you. I must try harder to make amends. When I write it out consciously like that, it sounds ridiculous, but unconsciously, that is what is driving a lot of people towards burnout.

I have worked with many women rapidly approaching or in the midst of burnout over the years and the pattern is always the same. They are useful to others personally and/or professionally. They are good at what they do, and can be relied upon to show up and help regardless of personal cost. It becomes part of their personality and people begin to expect it of them, so they keep calling on them when they need help. These women keep saying yes, ignoring their own needs and the cycle continues until their health breaks down and they fall over – literally or metaphorically.

Stopping myself apologising for things I had no control over has been one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done. I now pause and consider when to use those two powerful words. When I say, "I'm sorry", I mean it because I am actually apologising for something I have done wrong – whether I have been careless about someone else’s feelings or I have misunderstood a situation and behaved inappropriately. It is a phrase that causes me to reflect on the situation, what has caused it and how I can do better next time – which is how it was intended to be used when I was taught to say sorry as a child.

How often do you reflexively say you’re sorry for something that’s got nothing to do with bad behaviour? Watch your words as your subconscious is always listening. What we tell ourselves repeatedly, forms our identity.

If you want to change your experience of life, you have to change what you say, because that changes how you think about yourself, how you act and how you allow others to treat you.

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